The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity
by ilovetvalot
Summary: When Rossi and Garcia are taken hostage, chaos unfolds.
1. Chapter 1

******_Author's Note: Thanks to everyone that has been patiently awaiting updates. Real life has been a crazy, frenetic blur of activity on both my and my co-author's part. Hopefully, it will regulate in the next few weeks. Until then, postings on everything a couple of times a week is the best we can hope for. Again thank you to everyone that is still reading, reviewing, favoriting and alerting these stories. It means a lot. Please stop by our forum, "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" and get to know the multi-talented Kavi Leighanna, one of our core Hotch/Prentiss writers on the site. And, as always, Tonnie and I own nothing._**

**_Oh, and huge note here, postings for this story (and Love is What Happens) will be slower than the others. _**

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity in the Midst of a World Gone Wild**

**Chapter One**

Leaning back in his office chair, David Rossi turned to stare out the darkening window of his office. It had been a hell of a couple of weeks, to say the least.

First, their case in the Alaskan wilds had ended in what could almost described as a full town mutiny, and now their pursuit of an Internet killer had forced them to watch a violent murder occur in high-pixel resolution. Both unsubs had been successfully apprehended, but those chases had taken their toll on the team. Some members more than others, he knew.

But, now wasn't the time for such depressing thoughts. He had a full weekend to spend with his dog, his rifle on the pond of his cabin, and a good bottle of scotch. And that wonderfully relaxing weekend could begin just as soon as Penelope Garcia returned his laptop.

The usually giving Penelope had been less than pleased with him this afternoon when he'd arrived in her office an hour before and demanded she use her skill to rid him of the virus currently plaguing his hard drive. He couldn't say as he blamed her. The redheaded whirlwind had endured a rough road these last several weeks and it was obvious she was nearing the end of her patience. And if he was a betting man, which he most definitely was, he had a feeling that the fallout from the explosion that came when her threshold for the bullshit was breached would be astronomical.

He only prayed he was well out of her very dangerous reach. Far, far out of reach.

Looking up as his office door slammed open unexpected, Dave's eyebrows skyrocketed as he saw Earl, one of the Bureau's many capable security guards stumble into his office.

"Something I can help you with, Earl?" Dave asked, narrowing his eyes as he suddenly realized that the younger man was not exactly the picture of peace and calm that he normally was. The guard's shirt was slightly untucked, and his skewed tie was half loosened from his collar. And if Dave wasn't mistaken, he was reading a slightly-crazy glint in the man's usually composed eyes.

Jerking his head suddenly toward the questioning man, Earl the security guard widened his eyes as he took a step toward Dave's desk. His jaw working convulsively, he muttered as he jerked a hand out to the side, "I need an answer. Somebody has to give me an answer."

His normally well-attuned senses suddenly kicking into high gear, Dave pushed back in his chair as he slowly rose to his feet. It didn't take a rocket scientist or a genius profiler to recognize the psychotic break occurring right in front of him. "Gonna need a little more information, man. I can't give answers if I don't know the questions."

His lips sliding from side to side, pursing and unpursing, Earl reached back and slammed the door to Dave's office shut, the sound crashing in the otherwise quiet room as the agitated man flicked the lock into place. Moving toward the far window, Earl started pacing, four steps forward, quick turn on his heel, then four steps in the opposite direction, all while continuing to mutter, "Somebody owes me an answer. How could this happen? Somebody owes me an answer."

Cocking his head at the normally neat, orderly man's change in demeanor, Rossi frowned as he took a step toward the door. "Gonna say it again, Earl. How the hell can I get you an answer to a question that you haven't asked me?"

Swinging his large body toward Dave, Earl's blue eyes flashed as he glared at the older man. "So fucking arrogant! They said it was fucking budget cuts. Budget cuts. Can you believe that?"

Stiffening as he realized that Earl's hand hovered dangerously close to the gun in his belt, Dave forced his own posture into a relaxed position as he asked carefully, "Earl, what are you talking about, Buddy?"

"Buddy?" Earl snorted, his jaw stiffening as he waved his other beefy hand incredulously. "Really, Agent Rossi? You barely even see me when you walk in the door every day? Guys like you don't even fucking acknowledge guys like me!"

Eyeing Earl's hand, Dave purposely kept his own hands in full view, making no sudden moves. Unless he had missed the boat, and incidentally, that didn't happen very often, the agitated man in front of him was seconds away from a breakdown. What could be a very dangerous breakdown for him if the weapon holstered to the man's side and that locked door was any indication. "Earl," Dave began calmly, "I see you. We all see you. We depend on you."

"Really? Is that so?" Earl asked sarcastically, banging his fist against the wall. "Well, if I'm so valuable, why did the Bureau just fire me after fifteen years of dedicated service?"

"Perhaps there was a mistake, Earl," Dave replied evenly, hoping against hope that someone in the building was busily searching for this very discontented man. "I could make some calls and..."

"Shut up!" Earl yelled, pulling his gun suddenly and aiming it across the desk at Dave's chest. "Just shut up! You don't care! You don't know anything about me!"

"Earl, I've seen you every day for the last two years, man. I know you and you don't want to do this," Dave maintained, easily slipping into hostage negotiator mode. Except this time, he had a feeling he was going to be negotiating for his own life.

"Yeah? What's my wife's name? What's about my kid's? How many dogs do I have?" Earl shouted, firing his questions in rapid succession.

His years of training kicking into high gear, Rossi kept his face neutral as he met the disgruntled man's eyes. "Earl, we don't have to know every detail about each other's lives to know how important we are in the grand scheme of things. You are a valuable part of our team."

Snorting as he shifted from one foot to the other, the security guard waved his gun-hand wildly as he stated, "That's a cop out and you know it. If I was so valuable, my name wouldn't be on that pink slip I got handed a few minutes ago, now would it? If I was so valuable, you people would have made a bigger effort to get to know me instead of treating me the same as the fucking fake fichus in the lobby."

About to respond, Dave suddenly picked up the sound of footsteps outside of his closed door. For a bare second, he was about to offer up a prayer of thankfulness that the Calvary had arrived, that someone had figured out what was going on in his office. That was until he heard the sudden pounding against the wood, and his heart sank. None of his team would be stupid enough to insert themselves into the situation in such a manner.

And then, as if such a thing was possible, a bad situation suddenly turned to worse as he heard Penelope Garcia's obviously angry voice demand, "I know you're in there, Agent Rossi! I saw your light on. Now let me in before I personally take this piece of junk laptop of yours down to the parking garage and run over it with the first Hummer I can get my hands on!"

Damn it all to hell. Now he was going to be dealing with TWO people intent on seeking his imminent demise.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Author's Note: Thanks to everyone still following our stories. We absolutely adore hearing from you. And please, travel over to our forum, "Chit Chat on Author's Corner", for two more interviews with the talented authors, LoveforPenandDerek and egoofy34!_**

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Two**

Glaring at the closed portal to David Rossi's inner sanctum, Penelope Garcia fought down the urge to scream uncontrollably. Freaking arrogant bastard! Hadn't that glorified legend already hampered her well-earned afternoon of peace and tranquility enough for one day? Hell, yeah, he had. And she absolutely, positively refused to give him one more second of what remained of her personal, well-deserved time off.

Slamming her hand against the polished wood of the door, she glowered at the golden name plate on the door as she all but screeched, "Listen here, you profiling pain in my patooty, I don't care which BAU Barbie you've got stashed in there! Open this freaking door!"

She'd had a plan, darn it! A well-thought out, detailed plan. It involved her most comfortable robe, her cozy SpongeBob slippers, a pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and every sappy romantic comedy she could lay her greedy hands on. And to that, she planned on adding an entire weekend dedicated to pampering whatever whim or desire she had. What it didn't involve was trudging through the now empty BAU bullpen on a Friday afternoon and standing in a deserted hallway outside David Rossi's freaking door begging entrance to somewhere she didn't wanna be. Nope. No sirree, Bob!

But, like the dutiful little Bureau employee she was, when freaking David "can't work a laptop to save his pathetic life" Rossi had shown up on her sanctified threshold, miserable laptop in hand, and asked, nay, begged, her assistance, she'd forced a smile to her lips. Barely. Hadn't her mother, God rest her soul, taught her to have tolerance for everyone? Even needy, albeit egotistical, notorious profilers?

So she'd accepted the damned computer. And all the trouble that accompanied it. Namely, David damn Rossi and his inability to answer a simple knock on his door.

She didn't need this crap. She really, really didn't. Not today. Not after the past month. For weeks, it had been bodies, bodies, everywhere. Hell, she'd even personally tripped across one in stone-cold freaking Alaska. And for the bright, shiny happy person that she knew she was, that had been, in a word, disconcerting. And gross. Definitely gross.

And if that wasn't enough, the world had seemed to once again implode right in front of her face. Or literally, right on her multiple screens. The very internet that she adored had been used against them, a psychopath tunneling through the security protocols of her favorite social networking site to attack vulnerable women in their so-called sanctuaries. How in the world was she supposed to protect crazy women when they wouldn't hide their personal information from even crazier serial killers? How, how, how, HOW?

Drawing in a deep breath, she reminded herself that she wasn't standing outside this locked door to dwell on her horrible week. No, she was standing outside this ridiculously locked door because the so-called super agent on the other side was apparently not a gentleman enough to open it and express his overwhelming appreciation for her obvious superior skills.

Well, that was about to change.

Narrowing her eyes as she pounded her clenched fist against the forbidding wood once again, Garcia demanded through clenched teeth, "Don't even TRY to ignore me, David Rossi. I have eyes in the back of my head and the ability to turn your life into a living nightmare with less keystrokes than it takes to put your personal bank account PIN on Twitter! Now open this door!"

Leaning closer to the portal as she heard muttering on the other side, Garcia just confirmed her earlier suspicions that the well-known playboy was obviously living up to his tarnished reputation. Great. Just great. She had sacrificed her time so he could put his time to better use, apparently. Shifting the laptop underneath her arm, she grabbed the doorknob again, rattling it furiously, to no avail.

Then, surprisingly, the erstwhile senior agent's voice came through the door. "Just leave the laptop outside the door, Garcia. I'll get it on my way out."

Jerking her head back as she narrowed her eyes, Penelope Garcia all but did a full body shake as she felt her mind shift into ninth gear. How DARE he diss her and her unparalleled skills in such a manner! Did he not realize that she took her job as queen of the technical world very seriously, and would never, not ever, leave a delicate, highly technical piece of equipment in the footpath of the common masses?

What in the name of the computer deities was that horrid man thinking?

"Are you kidding me? Leave this defenseless baby abandoned in the hallway?" she yelled, tightening her arms protectively around the abused laptop. "Are you friggin' kidding me?" she yelped again, landing her fist against the paneled wood of the door with renewed vigor. "Open up and face me, you coward...you laptop abusing, technologically deficient, mere mortal! I can't believe that you'd even suggest..."

But Penelope's rousing words died abruptly in her throat as she came face to muzzle with a very dangerous, entirely too real gun. And in the next split second, she realized that all those wonderful plans she'd previously harbored were about to change. Radically.

Pulling her gaze from the barrel of the shaking gun up to the frazzled gaze of a guy that, up until this moment, she'd never imagined holding a gun on anyone, let alone her. "Earl?" she gasped, her heavily-mascara covered eyelashes blinking rapidly. "You've got to be kidding me!"

Grabbing Penelope's arm gently with one hand, Earl shook his head morosely. "Afraid not, Ms. Garcia. I'm afraid you're going to have to join our little party," Earl replied regretfully, pulling Pen inside the dimly lit office. "You really should have just left the laptop like Agent Rossi directed."

"Well," Pen huffed, glaring at Dave over her shoulder as if he was personally responsible for this obvious mess, "if somebody had told me that there was a dissatisfied employee inside said office waving a gun around, I would have."

"Go stand beside Agent Rossi, Ms. Garcia," Earl ordered, running a hand over his sweating face as he resumed his pacing.

Moving quickly to Dave's side, the laptop tucked tightly as a shield against her chest, Penelope hissed, "Seriously, for a Super Agent, you need to work on your stealthy codes!"

"Sorry," Dave muttered, never taking his eyes off of the man with the gun, "I thought go away would have been enough."

"No talking!" Earl growled, waving the gun toward them and pulling a gasp from Pen as he swung her direction. "I'm trying to think here!"

Easing his body in front of Garcia's and blocking any shot to her, Dave nodded. "You take as long as you need, Earl," he said calmly.

"Thanks," Earl mumbled absently, his eyes dropping for a second to the floor.

"Just out of curiosity," Pen said slowly, "exactly how long do you think you'll need to figure things out, Earl?" she asked from behind Dave, her wide eyes tracking the gun's movements. "Because, I've gotta say, I really don't believe in guns, especially ones waving around my airspace."

"Trust me when I tell you, Kitten," Dave said in a low voice, glancing sharply over his shoulder at the brightly-dressed woman, "that thing is very, very real."

"Gee, thanks for the update," Pen groaned, all hope of a nice, peaceful weekend fading quickly away.

And it was all David freaking Rossi's fault.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note: Many, many thanks to everyone who continues to read, review, alert and favorite our stories. We truly appreciate each and every one of you. Today, please travel over to our forum, "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" and check out our latest "Getting to Know You" interview with the very talented LacytheDemonicDuck. And please, drop us a post or PM and let us know your thoughts on the forum. We'd love your input. Thanks again. And, as always, we don't own Criminal Minds.**_

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Three**

Sighing as he watched Earl Carlson pace the length of his office repetitively, Dave could see through his negotiator eyes that the man was growing more agitated with every passing moment. If the shaking fingers hadn't provided the first clue, then the twitch in the man's left eye would have been a dead giveaway.

How the hell long had he known this guy? Well, maybe known was a bit of a stretch, but he'd definitely been aware of the other man's existence. He'd been a front desk staple for as long as Dave could remember, including his first tour of duty with the good ol' FBI.

Listening as he heard the man mutter under his breath, Dave strained to hear the words over the sound of Garcia's nervous fingertips tapping against his desk. Covering her hand heavily, Dave pulled his gaze away from their obviously distressed former head of security and frowned at her, silently trying to convey that the ebullient woman needed to remain silent. Unfortunately, he only earned a glare for his trouble. It was evident that Penelope Garcia currently held him personally responsible for her predicament. And for a moment, Dave wondered which person was more dangerous…his captor or his co-prisoner? Honestly, he figured it was a toss-up. Earl might have the gun, but Garcia definitely had skills that could make him pray for death on a moment's notice.

Turning his gaze back to the man with the gun, Dave suggested calmly, "Earl, why don't you sit down so we can talk?"

Wheeling around to wave the gun in the direction of the other two occupants of the room, pulling a gasp from Garcia as she ducked behind Dave, Earl growled, "What the fuck could you possibly have to say that I wanna hear, Agent Rossi?"

"You just had to grab his attention, didn't you?" Pen hissed, jabbing Rossi in the back with a talon-like nail as she peeked over his shoulder. "Are you certifiably insane?"

"Shhh," Dave hushed her, reaching behind him to capture her cold hand before she could inflict permanent damage. "I do this for a living, Garcia."

"Well, you look to be batting a thousand. In case you missed it, you allowed him to double his hostage count," Pen grumbled, watching through narrowed eyes as Earl shifted impatiently from foot to foot.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Dave muttered, wondering what in the world he had done to be inflicted with such travesties. He made a solemn vow to offer up, at his soonest convenience, a sacrifice to whatever deity that was currently in charge of his fates. "Just let me do my job, woman."

Their not-so-private discussion was interrupted by the one man in the room currently in possession of a formidable firearm. Waving his gun threatening in their direction, Earl the Security Guard declared angrily, "No talking to each other. You said you wanted to talk to me, didn't you?"

"I did," Dave said evenly, turning his full attention back to the agitated man. Gesturing toward the empty seat beside his desk, he added, calmly, "You've obviously had a long day, Earl. Why don't you and I sit down and talk about what I can do to fix this mix-up?"

"Mix-up?" Earl snorted darkly, dropping his lanky frame heavily into the leather chair, perching on the very edge as he erratically tapped his foot against the floor. "This ain't a mix-up, Agent Rossi. A mix-up is when the florist sends my wife carnations instead of roses. A mix-up is when you arrive thirty minutes late for an appointment. Losing my job is a hell of a lot more serious, don't you think?"

"No one's disputing that fact," Rossi agreed calmly, easing down against the edge of his desk, deliberately softening his posture in hopes of relaxing his captor even further. "But if I could make a few phone calls right now, Earl, I'm certain that I could find a solution that would be agreeable for you."

"A solution?" Earl parroted as he glared up at the man that was currently the embodiment of the entire federal government. "I'm supposed to go home and tell my pregnant wife that I ain't got a paycheck or pension any more. How can there be a solution to that?" Shaking his head, Earl muttered, "I got the solution right here in my hand."

Perking up at that new piece of information, Garcia pushed around Dave as she suddenly smiled at the man she had just been mentally cursing. "Is Marianna expecting, Earl? That's fantastic news! Girl or boy?" she chattered excitedly. Perching on the arm of the chair beside him, she inquired, "And how is Stephen taking the news of a new baby brother or sister? What is he now…fourteen or so?"

"Fifteen," Earl replied, narrowing his eyes on the brightly dressed tech staring back at him. "How the hell did you know that?"

"How did I know that?" Pen retorted impatiently, her hands lifting heavenward. Geez, sometimes she really wondered if anybody had a brain left in their heads at all. Of course, she knew Earl. He'd been the first person that had ever cracked a grin at her when she'd joined the Bureau all those years ago. "I know it like I know that he," she said, jerking her head toward Dave, "can't be trusted with so much as a Palm Pilot. Technologically impaired is the PC way of putting it, I think. I know everything, Earl. I've seen you every day for the last seven years, for crying out loud!"

"HE didn't!" Earl growled with a glare, waving a gun at Dave in condemnation. "HE couldn't answer a simple question!" he yelped, agitation heightening in his voice as he once again remembered his anger with the man and his government.

"Well, I just did. Wanna know what else I know? I know Marianna is gonna skin you alive when she finds out about this," Penelope chided, shaking her head as she imagined the tiny woman that had been married to the security guard for almost two decades.

"You just know about me 'cause your paid to...you know about everybody's personal details," Earl said, shaking his graying head as he attempted to dismiss her words. "You don't really care!"

"Really?" Penelope snorted as she heard the doubt flooding his words. "Fruitcake!" she shouted at their captor as she pointed accusingly at him.

Eyes widening as he grabbed Garcia's arm in an iron grip, pulling her behind him again, Dave hissed darkly, "Garcia, I really don't think now is the time to cast dispersions on the character of the man waving a GUN at us!"


	4. Chapter 4

**__****Author's Note: Many, many thanks to everyone who continues to read, review, alert and favorite our stories. We truly appreciate each and every one of you. Today, please travel over to our forum, "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" and check out our latest "Getting to Know You" interview with the very talented ArwenLalaith. One of the premiere talents on this site, she's also recently taken over the Criminal Minds Fan Fiction Awards. Also, we have another discussion thread open called, "Creating the Perfect Marriage with Dialogue and Description" Please, drop us a post or PM and let us know your thoughts on the forum. We'd love your input. Thanks again. And, as always, we don't own Criminal Minds.**

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Four**

Struggling to pull her arm away from the senior profiler's iron grip, Garcia snorted as she smacked at his surprisingly strong fingers, "I'm not calling him a fruitcake, you crazy cracked cuckoo!" Glaring over her shoulder at the agitated security guard, she declared, "I'm talking about the actual fruitcake I make him every single freakin' year!"

His eyes narrowing in confusion, Earl shook his head as he said, waving the loaded gun around in the air, "But you make everyone a fruitcake. Everyone looks forward to them as I remember it."

"But not EVERYONE gets extra candied cherries spread perfectly evenly throughout, now do they?" Garcia demanded, finally freeing her hand from her self-appointed protector and using it to point accusingly across the room. "Only YOU get the special Garcia fruitcake, Earl! Only you! All because you told me that first year how much you liked how my candied cherries stayed fresh with each new slice and tasted just like your great grandmother's!"

Earl's gun arm started to slowly lower as he stared in amazement at the redhead staring daggers at him. "You went to that much trouble every year to make sure I had the ideal fruitcake just like Nana's?"

"You and only you, my confused little loopy friend!" Crossing her arms triumphantly over her chest, she added, victoriously, "Now try and tell me that I don't know anything special about you! The freakin' Bureau doesn't pay me nearly enough to remember that! And they sure as hell don't pay me to make 'em! Do you KNOW how much the ingredients cost for those suckers? No wonder people save them from year to year! They should increase in value like a brick of gold!"

"Sorry," Earl relented slightly, trying to follow the rant currently spewing from the woman's lips. Rubbing the back of his hand over his sweating forehead, he muttered, "It's been a really bad day."

Trying to catch Garcia as she began to step around the desk, Dave caught her arm again, pulling her back against his chest. "Would you please stop moving? The man is off balance as it is, Garcia, and referring to him as crazy isn't going to win you any brownie points here," Dave warned in a low voice against her ear.

"At the moment, only one whack-a-doodle in this room is getting on my nerves, SuperAgent, and it isn't Earl," Garcia frowned, shrugging off Rossi's restraining hand to take another step forward. Garcia's gaze fell sympathetically on the security guard in front of her. "What happened, my bad-assed security God? How in the world could the Bureau fire you after all your loyal years of service?"

"Evidently, that's what happens when you find an agent that's old enough to know better screwing a well-known bureaucrat in the stairwell of the parking garage," Earl mumbled, running a shaky hand down his face as the words suddenly blurted out of him.

Rounding on the man standing behind her, Garcia's first blow landed squarely in David Rossi's solar plexus, knocking the breath out of him as he fell backwards toward the floor. "I should have known you'd be at the heart of this you black-hearted long-time Lothario!" she accused, aiming a well placed kick against the older man's shins as her rage rose in tsunami-like waves. "You couldn't keep it in your pants long enough to find one of those groupies that follow you around like a teen heartthrob?" she asked angrily, stomping on his hand as he struggled to sit up.

"Uhmmm, Miss Garcia," Earl called uncertainly from behind her, half-way concerned for the supposedly trained agent's safety if the woman managed to find another soft target area.

"Gimmee a minute, Earl," Garcia huffed as she debated her next move, glaring at a red-faced Rossi where he floundered on the floor at her feet, "I'm a little busy defending your honor over here!"

"But, Miss Garcia," Earl interrupted, wincing as the red headed whirlwind landed another blow to the hapless legend's body.

Smacking uselessly at her well-aimed foot, Rossi yelled as he tried to avoid another direct hit, "Dammit, woman, it wasn't me!"

"Likely story," Garcia snorted, preparing to land another blow with missile-like precision against a very delicate part of his anatomy.

Raising his hand to cover his eyes as he watched the determined woman attack the agent, Earl called out emphatically, "Honestly, Miss Garcia, it wasn't Agent Rossi! He's been trying to talk me out of this! Promise!"

Her foot holding in mid air, her jeweled Manolo pump dangling dangerously, Garcia swung her head in Earl's direction as she narrowed her eyes. "You sure 'bout that, Earl? 'Cause it sounds like something this dingbat woulda done in a heartbeat." Glaring down at Rossi's doubled figure, she added, the threat obvious in her voice, "Don't let him scare you, Earl. I'll take care of his sorry patookas and…"

Grabbing her foot before she could lower the boom again, Rossi pulled himself up to a standing position as he struggled to bite out, his breaths coming in gasps, "God Almighty, woman, would you listen to the man? He said it wasn't me!"

Nodding again, the flushed security guard took a hurried step forward as he blurted out, "It was Fred Miller from CyberCrimes and Chief Strauss! Promise!"

Hobbling back to his chair as every joint in his body reminded him that he was well past the age appropriate for hand to hand combat, especially with a deranged, diabolical Penelope Garcia, Rossi lowered himself to the leather cushion with a grimace. Christ Almighty, that woman could land a punch where it counted. Hell, he thought, trying desperately to wheeze in a small stream of oxygen to what he assumed might be a punctured lung, Dave leaned forward, his arms resting heavily on his desk. "Gimmee a second, Earl," he panted, the desire to defuse the hostage situation no longer his primary goal. He was fairly certain that the sheer act of breathing was far more important at that moment.

"Oh, suck it up, you overgrown Italian baby," Pen ordered without apology, crossing her arms defiantly over her chest. "It sounded like something you'd do," she shrugged. "In fact, if my memory serves correctly, in 1987 you were found in the ladies lavatory with...

Glaring at Penelope, Dave interrupted, asking Earl plaintively, "Any chance you came prepared to tie up any hostages you chose to take? Maybe a gag? Because I gotta say, I'd pay a pretty penny to see this one restrained! I might even beg."

"For his health and my sanity," Penelope turned to beg Earl herself, cutting off Dave's further pleadings, "Start from the beginning, Big Guy, and explain this...this..."

"Fucked up fiasco?" Dave supplied for her, attempting to tug at his disheveled shirt as he winced again. Oh, yes, when this little unscheduled meeting was over, he and Garcia were going to have a very interesting conversation about her need for violence.

"Yeah," Pen nodded exuberantly, ignoring Dave's belligerent tone as she turned expectant eyes to their captor. "Explain it to us, Earl."


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's Note: **_

_**And please, check out our writing challenge on our forum on **__**"Chit Chat on Author's Corner"**__** (you can find the link on my profile page.) In order to expand our horizons and stretch our writing wings, everyone who joins the challenge will be writing an exciting new pairing. By signing up, you'll get to suggest a pairing for someone else to write in addition to agreeing to write yourself. The story can be a drabble or an epic, romantic or friendship, AU or canon, angst or comedy…or anything in between. As the author, it is your choice to determine the direction and plot…we'll just be providing the pairing. Thanks to everyone who has signed up so far….and it's not too late for YOU, too! Feel free to email, PM or post to the forum thread if you'd be interested in participating.**_

**_And please, check out our newest interview over on "Chit Chat". We're talking to the lovely and talented CMali today._**

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Five**

As Penelope Garcia's sympathetic voice tried to coax a response from the man holding the gun, Dave studied Earl with practiced eyes. Flushed and sweating, it was obvious that the guy was nervous. It was also clear that he didn't really want to hurt anyone. Not really. He was hurt and angry, but not intent on maliciously harming them. But, after years of experience in the field, Dave knew that could change on a dime. Even the most harmless person could become deadly with the right provocation. He prayed Garcia would remember that, even if she wasn't a trained profiler.

Not really listening to the conversation being softly exchanged between Garcia and their captor, Dave focused on Earl's body language instead. Slowly relaxing, the other man had finally stopped pacing and was now facing a compassionate Garcia. Watching as Earl slowly lowered the gun in his hand, Dave quickly weighed his options. Did he try to talk them out of here or did he go for the gun while the other man was distracted?

Always a man that preferred action, there was really only one choice for him to make.

Taking a slow, silent step to the side, Dave kept his eyes trained on the two other people in the room as he moved into what he hoped would be a pivotal position. As long as Garcia continued to keep their captor's attention, he was certain he could end this entire unfortunate situation with minimal muss and fuss.

But while Dave was preparing for hand-to-hand combat, Penelope Garcia was focused on reaching deep into Earl's psyche and halting this downward spiral. Her eyes barely flickered as she saw some sort of movement beside her as she said, encouragingly, "Earl, if you'll just start at the beginning, I'm sure we can find a solution that will keep everyone happy. "

Shaking his head rapidly, his gun hand trembling slightly, Earl met her kind eyes as he muttered, "Ain't no such thing, Miss Garcia. They told me I wasn't FBI material anymore. That my position was being eliminated and replaced by an outside contractor. "

As Earl turned his full focus on the attentive blonde standing across from him, Dave took advantage of his distraction to take another step in his direction. Narrowing his eyes as he gauged the distance he would need to cover, Dave listened as Garcia drew in a deep breath, tsking her discontent at the man's answers. And just then, the perfect moment presented itself, the man's arm lowering almost completely to aim the barrel of the gun toward the floor.

And Dave, being the trained agent that he was, made his move.

Unfortunately, he never took Penelope Garcia's reaction into consideration as he leapt forward, covering the small distance separating their collective bodies.

"What the hell are you doing!" Garcia yelped, her eyes widening as she caught Agent Rossi's movement out of the corner of her eyes scant seconds before the older man's body impacted their former security guard.

"Ooomph," Earl hissed as Rossi's heavy body collided with his. Tightening his fingers around the gun as the two men struggled, both ignoring Garcia's strident yelps to separate, Earl shoved the elder man away from him with an outraged roar, sending him sprawling to the floor with a loud thud. Lifting the gun and aiming it at the center of Rossi's chest, Earl shook his head sadly as he caught his breath. "That was a very bad move, Agent Rossi," he said almost apologetically as his gun hand trembled. "A very, very bad move."

Glaring at her prone colleague, his massive body on the floor for the second time of the day, Penelope shook her head angrily. "Now look what you've gone and done! I thought you wrote the book on hostage negotiating. Not the Dumbass's Guidebook to Getting Shot!"

Wincing as he tried to push up on his elbows, his lower back informing him immediately that his muscles were unaccustomed to such unexpected strenuous workouts, Dave groaned, "In case you missed it, I wasn't trying to get shot. I was trying to find a way out of this damn thing!"

Nudging his foot with her sparkly red shoe, Garcia snorted as she replied, "You failed. Now you've upset Earl again! And he was just beginning to feel better about himself!" Turning toward the man with the gun, she added, her tone suddenly sympathetic, "Now don't let this upset you at all, Earl. Agent Rossi promises to be a good boy and keep his hands to himself for the rest of the day."

Ignoring the burn in his side as he pulled up to a sitting position, Dave objected loudly, "The hell I will! I like Earl here as much as the next guy, but I don't plan on being stuck in here forever, woman!"

"Agent Rossi," Earl interrupted, his deep voice filled with regret, "Maybe you'd better be getting back in that chair of yours." Motioning with his gun, he added, shaking his head, "I think it'll be best if I make sure you don't try any more of those profiler moves of yours." Jerking his head toward Garcia, he demanded, "Miss Garcia, you find something and tie his arms to the chair."

Shaking her blonde and red head wildly, Garcia took a step closer to the confused security guard as she declared, "Oh, but I've never been any good at tying knots, Earl!" Waving her hand down her hips, she added, knowingly, "Does this body ever look like it was in the freaking Boy Scouts?"

"Well, I can't very well tie him down and hold this gun at the same time," Earl replied worriedly, looking from one captive to the other as he contemplated his options.

Rolling his eyes as he dropped gratefully into his leather office chair, his battered body reminding him of every fifty-four years of his age, Dave said sarcastically, "Wanna hear my suggestion?"

Pointing an accusing manicured finger in Dave's direction as she moved to stand by Earl, Penelope ordered firmly, "I think you've done enough damage with your less than sterling imitation of James Bond." Turning to smile sweetly at Earl, she cocked her head as she suggested, "Why don't I hold the gun for you while you find the SuperAgent's handcuffs? That will solve all your problems, don't you think?"

Letting out a loud groan of disbelief as he realized that his technical genius was actually offering to assist the madman with the gun, Dave couldn't help but mutter aloud, "This has got to be the quickest case of Stockholm Syndrome I've ever seen! Only you would become friends with a man wanting to shoot us, Penelope!"


	6. Chapter 6

_**Author's Note: First, let us begin by saying thank you to all those wonderful people reading, reviewing, alerting and favoriting this, as well as our other stories. You guys seriously rock! CM readers are the most dedicated folks that we know and we appreciate each one of you.**_

_**Also, good news, our fellow author, JWynn has been awakened from her induced coma. Please feel free to visit our forum ("Chit Chat on Author's Corner" - there's a link at ilovetvalot's profile page) and leave your wishes for her speedy recovery on the discussion thread called "Let's all say a prayer for our fellow fanfic author...JWynn". I feel sure she'd love to hear from all her readers and fellow authors.**_

_**We also have two interesting interviews with a couple of incredibly talented authors, SignedSealedWritten and CMali. Stop by and leave them a comment. We've also got several lively discussion threads regarding AJ Cook and **__**Paget Brewster**__**'s plight, Joe Mantegna's Walk of Fame Star and "Tracia and Tonnie's Down Home Fanfic Wisdom." Readers and writers alike, come join the fun and discussion. Thanks again!**_

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Six**

Letting out a loud groan of disbelief as he realized that his technical genius was actually offering to assist the madman with the gun, Dave couldn't help but mutter aloud, "This has got to be the quickest case of Stockholm Syndrome I've ever seen! Only you would become friends with a man wanting to shoot us, Penelope!"

Frowning as she jiggled the gun in Dave's direction, Penelope asked with a decided frown, "Any chance we could gag him, too?"

"Damn it, Garcia," Dave growled as the demented yet endearingly unique technical analyst tapped her foot impatiently as Earl reached for his handcuffs, "would you please stop talking?"

"It's your own overblown ego that's got us into this mess. You just couldn't let me talk Earl into putting down the gun, could you? No! Your inner caveman just had to take the lead. Now look at us!"

"Look at you!" Rossi retorted, nodding to the gun in her hand as a befuddled Earl clicked the metal clasp of the handcuffs into place. "For somebody that professes to not believe in guns, you're doing a great impression of Wyatt Earp."

Shaking the gun in his face as Dave lurched to the side, Pen yelped, "You think this is fun for me? I could be home right now...curled on my couch in my comfy robe sucking down a pint of Chunky Monkey! But, no...the great David Rossi demanded I fix another one of his poor, abused computers!"

"Uhhh...Ms. Garcia," Earl said, carefully sidestepping Penelope as she swung the gun around. Holding out his hand, he said slowly, "Maybe I could take the gun now if…"

But her attention was not on the obviously confused man that had originally started their current difficulty. Shifting her weight from heel to heel, she muttered, "It wasn't enough that I got dragged into the Alaskan wilderness on an unsub hunt...it wasn't sufficient that I was forced to watch an unsub desecrate my cyberrealm...no! Now, I'm being held hostage with the most egotistical, cocky agents ever to grace the FBI!"

"Might I point out that you're the one with the gun," Dave drawled pointedly, glaring at her from his position cuffed to the chair.

"Not any more , I'm not." Jerking her shoulders straight, Garcia dangled the gun in question from two dainty fingers as she wrinkled her nose. "Here, Earl. I believe this belongs to you."

His eyes widening as he pulled against the metal cuffs, Dave watched in sheer amazement as she passed the weapon back over to the man who was currently holding them captive. "Are you out of your freaking mind?" he yelled, trying to pull up only to feel his restraints click even tighter. "Damn it, woman, you just gave over the one thing that could have gotten us out of here!"

"It's HIS gun!" Garcia defended herself, crossing her arms over her ample chest as she glared daggers at the red-faced agent. Tilting her multi-colored head in the security guard's direction, she added, firmly, "Besides, Earl's not gonna hurt us. He just needs some time to calm down and get his thoughts together. Which he can't do," she declared, narrowing her eyes, "If you keep yelling!"

Dropping his head back against the top of his chair, Rossi slammed his eyes shut as he muttered to himself, "I don't know which is worse. The man with the gun or the woman with the mouth."

"I heard that!" Garcia trilled loudly as she stomped toward the oversized wooden desk, kicking his chair with her foot as she started to jerk open the various desk drawers.

"Uh, Miss Garcia," Earl said slowly, easing closer to the desk as he watched the woman rummage through a stack of papers inside a wide drawer, "What exactly are you looking for?"

"Something to shove in that yapping mouth of his before I borrow your gun again and shoot him myself!" she declared darkly. Pulling a rumpled tie out from underneath a black notebook, she held it in the air as she said, triumphantly, "Now this will do! Something this ugly is just begging to be my gag of the moment, don't you think?"

"Don't you dare!" Dave shouted sternly, glaring at his colleague as he attempted to nudge her leg with his foot.

"Stop me," Penelope dared as she sidestepped his distraction attempts, her bright eyes flashing as two high spots of color climbed into her cheeks. Shoving the material into David Rossi's sputtering mouth, she finally took a step back and admired her handy work. "Not bad for an improvised gag if I do say so myself," she said approvingly, ignoring the daggers shooting from the elder agent's eyes. "Now," she sighed, turning toward a shocked Earl, "where were we, Earl?"

Pointing dumbly at Dave with the barrel of the gun, Earl shook his head. "You know you just gagged your boss, right?"

Tossing her long red hair over one shoulder, she shrugged. "Coulda been worse for him. I could have shot him in the foot and then gagged him." Stopping suddenly, she held up a finger as she smiled sweetly. "Oh! That reminds me!" she chirped, fishing in her skirt pocket and pulling out her phone. Turning she aimed it toward a struggling Rossi, jerking against the handcuffs and snapped off a few shots. "Say cheese, Agent Rossi!" she coaxed, wriggling her eyebrows. "Oh, wait! You can't," she smirked, mock pouting as her captive glared wildly.

Smiling quickly at Earl, she showed him the display. "Just so nobody doubts my story later," she grinned, tapping the screen to preserve the photo for posterity.

"You realize," Earl noted, warily looking at a flushed and enraged David Rossi, his eyes bugging out of his head, "that when he gets those cuffs off, you're toast."

"Ah, he's a pussycat at heart," Penelope said, patting the top of Rossi's dark head as she focused her laser-like attention on the confused security guard. "Now, Earl. Let's talk about you. Tell us how we can help you."


	7. Chapter 7

_**Author's Note: Just a note to thank readers for taking a chance on this story and wanted to let you all know that there is a new interview up on the "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" with the multi-talented Flashpenguin. Please, take a moment and check it out.**_

_**Many thanks again to Kavi Leighanna and Sienna27 for their TV Prompt Challenge.**_

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Seven**

_**Prompt: Justice League - "A Better World"**_

Earl Carlson's dark eyes widened in surprise as he stared at the woman waiting expectantly for his answer. Clearing his throat as he shifted the gun in his hand, he asked, carefully, "Miss Garcia, you don't want to get involved in this. Besides, there's nothing you can do to fix it anyway. My marching orders came from the head bitch in charge," he declared morosely.

_"Bitch is right," David Rossi thought contemptuously as he struggled against his bindings. Damn it, he was hard pressed to choose who the more dangerous enemy was right now…the man with the gun, the woman offering her assistance to the man with the gun, OR the bitch that had started the whole goddamned fiasco!_

_Damn it, Erin Strauss had been a thorn in his side for thirty years. She'd been a menace when they'd started the Academy together, and she'd only grown more lethal in each passing year. Hell, now his very life hung in the balance because of her bad choices. Hell, they said he had a raging libido...and yet, here __**he **__sat, a hostage, because Erin had chosen to get her rocks off with a poor choice of suitor AGAIN! Evidently that time in the White House bunker with the Secret Service guy in '88 hadn't taught her a damn thing. And once again, he was paying the price._

_At least the woman currently responsible for his immediate situation had a good heart. He'd have been forced to kill Penelope Garcia otherwise...and wouldn't that piss off Derek Morgan._

Hearing the doubt in the man's tentative words, Penelope Garcia planted both hands firmly on her hips as she declared, "Earl, Earl, Earl! I realize that you are not an agent or permanently assigned to our esteemed unit, but I would have thought that rumors of my stunning abilities and amazing technical prowess would have reached you by now!"

"Huh?" the man asked, rubbing his free hand over his sweating forehead as he tried to make sense of her chipper words.

"Do you not realize that you are speaking to the Oracle of Quantico? Your very wish can be my command!" Garcia informed him, plopping down on the edge of Rossi's desk, papers flying beneath her flouncing skirt. Pointing toward the gagged man sitting grumpily beside her, she added in her most authoritative voice, "And whatever needs extra funding, the BAU's answer to the Rockefellers will gladly pony up! " Giving his chair a swift kick, she added, eyes narrowing, "Won't you, Agent Rossi?"

Earl watched as the disgruntled agent struggled against his bonds, loud grunts coming from behind the inventive gag. "I don't think he was on board with your idea there, was he?"

"Doesn't matter," Garcia said brightly, reaching up to adjust a loose barrette in her thick hair. "I learned his bank account numbers his third day back at the Bureau. Easy Peasy! Now, let's get back to you. We all know this whole brouhaha has nothing to do with budget cuts. Our good Chief Strauss was caught in flagrante delicto, right?"

"If you mean she was doing things that no good senior chief should be doing in public, then yeah," Earl agreed, nodding rapidly as he tried to follow the woman's line of thinking. He had heard through the grapevine that these people up here were bona fide geniuses, but he had never really been that exposed to them until now.

Snapping her fingers suddenly, Garcia's bright eyes widened astronomically as she started bouncing on the cluttered desk. "Earl! Do you remember the exact date this happened? And the time?"

"Can't forget it," Earl answered as he pulled the gun closer to his side. "Was the day before my wife's birthday. June 11th."

Plopping her clunky heels to the floor, Garcia unceremoniously slid Rossi's bound and gagged body out of the way as she reached for his keyboard. Typing rapidly, she demanded, "Time, Earl. Time. I gotta narrow down all this video."

Taking a step closer, interested in where her mind was going, Earl replied, "10 PM. But surely she had the security films erased. Chief Strauss is a powerful woman, you know."

Ignoring the growls coming from the furious man tied to the chair, Garcia chortled as she continued tapping away. "Oh, Earl, my friend, you have a lot to learn about the intricacies of my babies, don't you? There's multiple backup systems in place in this building, one of which is completely controlled from my domain. And I happen to know that no one has been tampering in my system recently, so I'm sure all the incriminating evidence we need is still in place."

"You mean..."

"I mean, my sweet security behemoth, I got your back," Pen grinned, tapping happily at her keys. Narrowing her eyes on the screen, Pen winced as a colorful video suddenly appeared. "Ewww! Got it!"

Craning over her shoulder, Earl's eyes widened as he quickly recognized the duo on the screen. "You do!"

"Oh yeah," Pen shuddered, squeezing her eyes closed as she waved both hands erratic ally in the air. "The only problem is that this will haunt my dreams for years to come. Who knew you could get quite that inventive in a stairwell. That woman has GOT to be double jointed!" Shifting the computer screen toward Dave, Garcia ordered, "Check it out, Agent Rossi!"

"Ahhhh," Dave gagged, squeezing his eyes shut as the image on the computer screen burned his retinas. Damn it, if he ever got free, there was no place Garcia was going to be safe from him for inflicting that sight on his poor beleaguered eyes. Cracking one lid to ascertain if the noxious illustration of Erin Strauss' character was still there to assault his eye sockets, Dave breathed a sigh of relief when Garcia readjusted the screen. But then he felt himself grinning around his gag as he heard her say, "Trust me, Early, if there one person on God's great earth that despises the Section Chief more than you, it's Agent Fussy Pants."

"Good to know," Earl muttered, casting cautious eyes toward the agent in question. Motioning with his gun, he said, worriedly, "Perhaps, we ought to think about taking out the gag, Ms. Garcia."

"Don't you move an inch, Earl. Not until we figure out what in the name of Apple computers to do with this very sensitive information," Garcia ordered, staying the guard's hand as it reached for the material around Dave's mouth. "Otherwise, we're going to have to listen to him yap about his rights being violated. And quite frankly, that man deserves what he gets for dragging me into this whole sordid mess."

But before they could continue any further, the sound of a faint buzzing filled the tense room. Grunting as he tried to pull against his cuffs, Dave knew that his cell phone was ringing, but thanks to that blasted woman, he couldn't reach it. Damn Penelope Garcia and her warped mind!

Raising one brow as she turned in his direction, Garcia demanded, "Okay, Agent Rossi, where's the phone? I know you've got it on you somewhere!" Reaching out, she started patting wildly at his chest, easily finding the offending instrument in his shirt pocket. Yanking it out, she glanced down at the display as she shook her wildly colored head. "Oh, it's JJ texting you! Trust me, crime fighters, there will be NO cases for us today." Smiling sweetly at the bound and gagged man before her, she cocked her head for a moment, then said sarcastically, "I'll just be YOU for a moment and tell her that you're a little tied up. I'm sure she'll draw her own conclusions, won't she?"

Ignoring what were probably death threats against her person coming from behind the improvised gag, Penelope easily tapped out her message then dropped the phone on the desk. "There! Done and done!" Glancing over at Earl, Garcia pointed her finger at the computer again as she demanded, "Back to the plan, my good man. We have to figure out exactly how to handle this newest kink in our obviously kinky world!"

And with an apologetic look at Dave, Earl turned his attention to the mission at hand...eliminating Erin Strauss' reign of terror and making it a better world for all.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Author's Note: Thanks to Kavi and Sienna27 for their TV Prompt Challenge. And please, check out our newest interview on our forum, "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" with the very talented flashpenguin. **_

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Eight**

_**Prompt: Heroes - "How to Stop an Exploding Man"**_

A full minute later, with Dave's gagged rumblings filling the air, Penelope Garcia threw a clenched fist up in the air in victory. "I've got it!" she claimed excitedly as her fingers continued flicking the keyboard. "I can upload the video into the server hard drive where it will become the automatic default screensaver for every monitor in the building!"

Scratching his head as he watched the determined woman grin, Earl murmured, "But how would that get my job back, Miss Garcia?"

Her fingers stuttered for a moment as Garcia jerked her head to stare at the security guard. "Good point, my intelligent gun man. We need to think this through so that we can create the most damage and gain the most ground with one fell swoop."

Rolling his eyes in a mixture of frustration and anger, Dave reached out his foot, sharply kicking at Penelope's lower leg. For the love of sweet Mary and Joseph, couldn't the woman at least ATTEMPT to read his mind for once in her life?

Jerking at the sudden attack, Garcia twirled on her heel as she stared darkly at the bound and gagged man as she yelped, "Surely you didn't just attempt to maim the princess!"

Earl cleared his throat as he motioned toward Dave, the tied up man's flashing eyes obviously projecting copious amounts of anger. "Uh, Miss, Garcia," he said slowly, "I think he might have an idea of how to help. Don't you think we need to at least give him a chance to help?"

Twirling in Dave's office chair, Penelope Garcia raised an imperious brow and narrowed one eye on the struggling Italian. Cocking her head, she asked, "Is he right, Agent Fussy Britches? Do you wish to intercede on our poor abused security guard's behalf and use your powers for good rather than evil?"

"Mmmmfff, mmmmffff" Dave growled through his gag, his eyes virtually hurling daggers at the redheaded tornado bent on destroying his life, and, more importantly, robbing him of his sanity. God as his witness, the powers that be were going to have to pry his fingers from her milky white neck when this was over.

"Okay, okay," Penelope sighed, holding up a hand for silence. "Then we need to clarify a few things here, my little profiling pain in the patooty." Pulling herself toward Dave's chair, she ordered, "First, stop squirming. It's undignified." Waiting until the elder man stilled in his seat, she spoke again, "All right, I'll take out the gag on the condition that you understand that if you anger me in any way, this," she said, holding her phone aloft, the picture of him bound and gagged to the chair displayed, "goes viral. And incidentally will become the screen saver for every computer in the Bureau. Now, we wouldn't want to ruin that tough guy reputation, would we? Of course not. Now blink once for, "Yes, my Goddess, I understand completely."

And now he was not only being held hostage in his own office by a member of their own security force experiencing a decidedly nasty emotional break, he was going to have to live the rest of his life knowing that Penelope Garcia held the power to wipe out any chances he had of continuing to be a serious author and well-respected profiler. God help him.

In the middle of his anger, though, Dave heard a faint scratching sound above him. His earlier suspicions were right, he thought, shifting in his chair as he deliberately made the wheels squeak, hoping to cover any further sounds. Right now, they needed to work as fast as possible to solve this problem before someone else decided to end it for them.

Feeling her inquiring gaze patiently waiting for his answer, Dave slammed his eyelids shut once, giving her the answer she had demanded. "Now, was that so hard?" Garcia trilled, reaching out to pat his gagged cheek before she adeptly untied the knot.

Feeling the tie suddenly drop from his lips, Rossi swallowed hard as he snarled, "It's about time!"

"Temper, temper," Garcia warned none-too-gently, waving her photographic evidence directly in front of his eyes once again. "That's the last warning you shall receive, my grumpy little g-man. Next strike and I'm gonna be a texting fool. Capice?"

His jaw tightened as he met her flashing eyes. "Holy hell, woman, don't you think our focus should be on getting out of here rather than finding ways to torment me for the rest of my life?"

"I can do both," Garcia shrugged, smiling brightly as she spun the chair toward the keyboard. "I'm multitalented and multitask well. Now, don't make me regret letting that silver-tongue of yours loose. Prove Earl here right and share those genius thoughts of yours, pronto."

Nodding, Rossi glanced over at Earl then nodded his head toward the now-blank screen. "That video is leverage. Erin thinks she's already won this game. We need to tell her that we've reviewed the instant replay. Email it directly to her phone, Garcia, with a small note that the negotiation table is now open. And for the love of God, Earl, quit waving that gun around," he ordered the fidgety guard. If his suspicions were correct, any signs of aggression on Earl's part would not be a good move right now.

"Sorry," Earl mumbled, his gaze going to the shaking gun in his hand, "It's a nervous twitch," he explained, deliberately lowering the gun to his thigh as he shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"Okay, done!" Penelope chirped, hitting the enter key on her keyboard with a flourish. "Our naughty nymphette ought to be receiving a thinly veiled threat via the wonderful wireless connection right about now." Glancing up, she cocked her head as she leaned forward and wiped at a red spot on Earl's chest, frowning when it wouldn't come off.

Following the motion of Garcia's hand, David Rossi's dark eyes widened in horror as he yelled, pitching forward in his chair to shield the expectant father, "Earl! Down! Now!"


	9. Chapter 9

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Nine**

Slamming his shoulder into Earl's stomach as he tilted the chair, Dave sent both men crashing to the hard floor.

"Cuffs, Earl," Rossi grunted, shifting his arms uncomfortably as the other man fumbled for the key.

Lifting his suddenly free arm, Rossi grabbed a handful of Garcia's full neon green skirt, tugging viciously and bringing her not inconsiderable body landing in an undignified heap on his back.

Catching his breath, Dave fought a groan as he struggled to find purchase on the floor he half laid on. Damn, this shit hadn't hurt nearly as bad thirty years ago. But at fifty-four, he was aware that some appendages didn't move quite as smoothly or swiftly as they once had, his days of door-kicking, lead-the-pack alpha tendencies long past. Let Derek Morgan have that shit.

Yet, here he lay, half draped over the man that just a scant minute ago had been waving a gun in his face, protecting the bastard's sorry ass. Hell, was that Stockholm Syndrome shit contagious?

Finally levering himself painfully onto one elbow, Dave idly wondered if that burning pain in the area of his rotator cup was a dislocated shoulder. It WOULD be his fucking luck. "Everybody okay?" he asked hoarsely, turning his head to peer worriedly at a prone Penelope Garcia.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Garcia yelped back through pressed lips, her hands rubbing up her hips as she added, slowly opening her eyes to favor him with a death glare, "I swear to God, if your little caveman antics just snapped one of my precious delicate bones, there's gonna be hell to pay!"

The fury in her voice belied her words, letting him take an easier breath as he turned toward the man lying on the other side of him. Staring into Earl's bemused and shocked eyes, Dave demanded, "Earl? You didn't get hit, did you?"

"Hit?" Earl parroted, his eyes widening in confusion as he rolled to his side, kicking off the heavy chair that he had attached to the federal agent just minutes earlier. His gun was now all the way on the other side of the room, a casualty of the moment.

Garcia shuffled slightly beside Dave, smacking his arm sharply as she attempted to sit up. "In case you missed it, Evil Knievel, you were the one that just hit him, remember? Or was your kamikaze routine just a figment of my imagination?"

Jerking sharply at her sleeve, Dave pulled her down firmly against him as he snapped, "What's not a figment is the fact that we're sitting targets right now, woman. They had a bead on Earl here. And you just about put yourself in the line of fire a few seconds ago."

"You mean," Garcia swallowed hard as her eyes widened astronomically, her pupils dilating as her elbow landed with a thump on his ribs, "Someone's trying to hurt poor Earl? Why would they do that?"

"Maybe...and this is just a thought here," Dave drawled sarcastically as he shoved at her sharp, bony arm, "it might be because he's been in my office waving around a gun at two federal employees. But, of course, I could be wrong. It happened once before," Dave grunted, pushing himself up to his knees, careful to keep his body below the desk, "but, hell, it was the seventies. We were all making mistakes back then."

Grabbing the collar of Rossi's shirt, Garcia violently jerked the senior profiler's face down to hers. "Is that a tone I detect in your voice, Super Agent? Because I THINK we discussed the repercussions for those particular actions, didn't we?"

Shaking his head at the delusional woman below him, Dave growled, "Woman! Focus! For the love of God, there are now people pointing guns at all THREE of us! And, no offense, Earl, but I'm pretty sure those guys," he hissed, thumbing toward the window that was the obvious source of their troubles, "are a better shot than you!"

"None taken," Earl mumbled, his wide eyes following Rossi's thumb toward the window in question.

"Okay, Hot Stuff," Penelope asked Rossi with flashing eyes, her arms crossed over her chest, "What do you suggest we do NOW?"

"I need my phone," Rossi muttered, glaring in her direction as he attempted to clear his mind. "Where did you put it when you stole it from me earlier?"

"Number One, I did not steal, as you so inelegantly put it," Garcia hissed, pursing her shaking lips as she huddled against the overturned desk chair. "I answered it in my own special way!"

Forcing back the retort hanging oh-so-close to the tip of his tongue, Dave took a deep breath as he bit out, "And after you…answered..it, where did you put it?"

"It's right here next to the keyboard." Popping up on her knees, Penelope started to reach for the instrument in question, only to once again feel David Rossi's solid body whammed against her midsection. "Aghh!" she yelled, although it came out slightly muffled since she found herself flat against the carpet once again.

"Do I have to remind you that there are snipers watching for movement, woman?" Rossi hissed sharply, motioning for Earl to move closer as he gently pushed Garcia in his direction. "Earl, keep your hand on her shoulder and don't let her rise above desk level."

"She ain't gonna like that, Agent Rossi," Earl warned the other man even as he obeyed the order and clamped a strong hand over Garcia's struggling shoulder.

"Don't care. She'll live this way." Ignoring the look of fury in the technical genius' eyes, Rossi turned slowly on his knees as he slowly crept his hand toward the edge of the desk, ignoring the white-hot pain that suddenly attacked his shoulder joint. Easing one finger over the top, he let out a sigh of relief as he felt the edge of the phone and yanked it toward him. "Jackpot," he ground out as he turned to rest against the desk, quickly dialing the number of the one person that could put an end to this decidedly hostile standoff.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: Hello, Readers! Once again, thank you to everyone that has been reading, reviewing, alerting and favoriting our stories.**

**We'd like to take this opportunity to announce our Fanfic Challenge - ROUND 2 for July at our forum "Chit Chat on Author's Corner". Signups are through June 30th. This month, you'll simply need to tell us what pairing you normally write, what pairing you'd like to see someone else write, and what Song Title or Movie Title you'd like to see used for inspiration. On July 1st, you'll be pm'd with your assigned pairing and prompt…. and then, just write away! Postings will be due by July 31. Further details can be found at the forum ("Chit Chat on Author's Corner") and a link can be found at our profile pages (ilovetvalot or tonnie2001969)! We had a great turnout for our last challenge and some really excellent fics produced. And, now, we want to make it bigger and better. Come join the fun. You can sign up at the forum or send either tonnie or me a PM! We'd love to hear from you! And please check out our newest interview with the incredibly talented tazlvr2001!**

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Ten**

"Unless you have a hotline into the hereafter," Earl grumbled, tightening his grip on a squirming Penelope Garcia as he watched Rossi furiously dialing with wide eyes, "I'd say we're in some serious trouble."

Trying mightily to jerk away from Earl, Penelope Garcia glared over her shoulder at the hapless hostage taker. "God is no longer on a speaking basis with Rossi! And I'm pretty sure you've made it over to the naughty list, too, Earl! Seriously, what did you think was gonna happen when you started waving a gun around? These people sorta do this for a living," she frowned, quickly looking out the window as she heard a helicopter pass in front of the window. Oh my Lord, she thought, now they've resorted to flying contraptions to take them out!

"I wasn't thinking that far ahead!" Earl groaned, reaching up to hold his head with one shaking hand. "All I could think about was my wife...home alone...hormonal...and I knew I had to do something!"

"And taking hostages seemed like the natural course of action?" Penelope asked incredulously. "Nice, Earl."

"Sorry," he mumbled into his hand, sweat dripping from his brow. Staring down at his empty hand, the frazzled security guard suddenly realized that in the earlier melee, his gun had disappeared. Glancing around frantically, he leaned around Rossi's formidable desk, catching a glimpse of the weapon underneath one of the visitor's chairs.

"Quit squirming, Earl!" Garcia ordered sharply, smacking at the man's leg, only to feel her one-time captor suddenly scoot away. Hissing as she watched him crawl around the edge of the desk, she growled, "I swear, if you get shot before I have a chance to do it myself, I will let the FBI drop you off the roof just to see if you can bounce!"

"Would you to please stuff it?" Dave asked, squinting as he dialed the phone. "I'm trying to..." he began, his voice cut off by the jangling of his desk phone above his head just as Earl slipped back into place next to Garcia.

The three occupants of the office exchanged a worried look just then. And as the beating sound of the chopper blades grew louder outside the windows, Dave groaned as the lights went out.

Stiffening as the office was pitched into blackness, Penelope asked tightly, her words pinched, "Now what the hell is happening?"

Reaching for the other phone overhead, Rossi pressed his cell to his ear as he waited for Aaron Hotchner to pick up. "I'll tell you what," Rossi muttered, "Things just got a hell of a lot more serious. Earl, give me the damn gun," Rossi ordered, his fingers closing around the handset off the top corner of the desk.

"Now, Agent Rossi, you know I can't do that," Earl replied, tightening his hold on the service weapon he had just found once again. "This here," he said, shaking the gun, "might be the only thing that gets me out of here alive!"

"Or it might get all THREE of us a whole lot dead," Rossi growled, jerking the handset to his free ear. "Rossi!" he growled into the black plastic.

"David," Erin Strauss' modulated voice said calmly. "We need a status report."

"Erin, you bitch!" Dave bit out, not even attempting to modulate his voice as he let all of his anger flow toward the Bureau's section chief. If it hadn't been for her, he would have never been trapped with what had to be the world's craziest captor and even crazier hostage!

"Pardon me?" Aaron Hotchner retorted via the cell phone attached to Rossi's other ear, not bothering with a greeting.

"I wasn't talking to you, Aaron," Dave replied, squeezing his eyes closed as he tried to remember exactly which Aaron or Erin was speaking into each ear. How in the hell did those two decidedly different people end up with the same freaking name?

"Then who are you talking to?" Strauss asked impatiently, her clipped tones snapping through the line. "I AM your Section Chief and still require a certain measure of respect no matter what circumstance you find yourself immersed in!"

"You're the reason I'm IN this quagmire of shit, Erin," Rossi exploded, his fingers clenching around the handset in his hand.

"How the hell do you figure that?" Aaron Hotchner huffed through the cell phone into Dave's left ear.

"I'm not talking to you, Aaron," Dave spat impatiently, jerking the cell phone away to stare at it in confusion. Couldn't the man understand simple English anymore?

"Then who ARE you talking to?" Hotch asked tiredly, his voice obviously conveying his frustration with what was apparently an extremely convoluted situation.

"I'm talking to Erin!" Rossi whined, his head throbbing to a base beat only he seemed to hear. What the hell kind of Twilight Zone had he entered? If he was going to be condemned to an alternate dimension, why couldn't it have been one that offered continuous sedation?

"I know you are!" Aaron yelled, his words echoing through the small headset. "Dave, have you been drinking?" he asked suspiciously.

"Oh, Jesus," Rossi groaned, staring into the blackness that had become his life. "I'm trapped in a fucked up rendition of Who's on First, haven't I? Am I being tanked?" he asked rhetorically.

"I think you mean punked, Super Agent," Penelope sighed, wincing as her hip caught the edge of the desk when she tried to move. "Earl," she growled, as the other man grabbed her, stilling her movement, "THAT is NOT my shoulder! And I'm pretty sure your wife would really frown on where your hand is now!" she grumbled, removing the hand clutching her ass and putting it back on her shoulder.

"Crap!" Earl moaned, banging his head against the wall as he once again questioned his entire reasoning for starting this fiasco. "Sorry!"

"You're gonna think sorry, bub," Garcia warned as she slammed her arms across her chest, "When the FB freaking I comes barreling through that door soon. And trust me, I'm too pretty to be caught in any cross fire, so don't think I won't hesitate to use you as a human shield!"

"Would BOTH of you shut the hell up?" Rossi snapped, the voices in both phones competing with the two characters beside him, all four of them obviously intent on driving him out of his ever-loving mind.


	11. Chapter 11

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Eleven**

"Would BOTH of you shut the hell up?" Rossi snapped, the voices in both phones competing with the two characters beside him, all four of them obviously intent on driving him out of his ever-loving mind.

"You called me," Aaron Hotchner retorted, frowning into his phone as he wondered exactly when Dave had developed this curious case of Tourette's Syndrome. He'd appeared fine when he'd left the office earlier in the afternoon. Hadn't her?

"I don't think that's any way to speak to your superior, Agent Rossi. Especially when she's the one calling the shots out here," Erin said petulantly, her voice clearly impatient with his perceived antics.

"You know what, Erin," Dave snapped, turning to glare at the phone, "you can take that superior shit and shove it up your tight ass," he exploded, his cheeks flushing with anger as he visualized happily using her head for target practice. Surely Earl would willingly loan him the gun for that pleasure, wouldn't he?

Shocked, Aaron Hotchner eyes widened as he jerked the phone away, staring at it like a snake. Lifting it quickly back to his ear, he asked worriedly, "Dave, man, you aren't operating heavy machinery right now, are you? Because maybe you should pull over if you're driving. Tell me where you are and I'll come get you."

"I'm not crazy, Aaron," Dave snapped, annoyed that his friend would suggest otherwise. Honestly, had the entire world taken leave of its collective senses?

"That's debatable," Strauss drawled in his other ear, "and, at this point, it's also irrelevant."

"Maybe you want to enlighten me on what you deem relevant at this juncture, Erin," Dave snorted, narrowing his eyes as he watched the security guard clamp his hand down on Garcia's shoulder, the flat metal of the gun glimmering for a moment in a flash of unexpected light. "I seem to have found myself attempting to keep my own people from firing on me. You wanna keep that from happening, please? I have plans for the next few decades of my life and I'd prefer they weren't spent leaking blood like a sieve."

Aaron Hotchner's sharp words came clearly through the phone line. "Guns? Dave, start talking now and tell me what's happening."

"You mean you don't know what's been going on in the good ole FBI?" Dave snorted, attempting to roll his shoulder joint, biting back a wince at the flash of pain.

"Of course I know what's going on in my division," Erin Strauss declared, her imperious tone coloring every word. "I am the one in charge, after all."

"Oh, get off your high horse, Erin," Dave ordered, pressing the phone tighter to his ear as he attempted to ignore the urgent kicks to his shins. When this was all over, he was going to personally divest Penelope Garcia of every pair of pointed high-heeled torture devices that she owned. Turning his attention back to the phone, he snorted, "It's your damn fault we're here to begin with. If you hadn't been so damned intent on being the bitch you always are, I would've already been far, far away from this nut house!"

"Would you please quit calling me names and talk to me, damn it!" Hotch bit out, his voice vibrating with frustration as he tried to piece together what appeared to the fragmented thoughts of one of his closest friends and colleagues."

"You're in charge?" Dave replied sarcastically, ignoring the male voice and focusing on the female. "How's that work, Erin? You gettin' a lot done between blowing your subordinates in dark corners?"

"What in the name of Christ are you saying, Dave?" Hotch yelped, surging to his feet as he nearly dropped the phone, his eyes widening astronomically as he once again.

"I don't know what you think you know, Agent Rossi," Strauss seethed, her tone dropping dangerously.

"We've got video footage," Dave drawled, taking a wicked pleasure at Strauss' quickly indrawn breath. "Haven't checked your phone yet, have you, Erin?" he grinned maliciously, finally finding a moment in time to derive some freakish joy out of this entire Byzantine situation.

"I'm ON the phone with you, Dave! And what you're saying isn't possible in any reality! What the hell have you been smoking? For the love of all that's holy, step away from the crack pipe," Hotch yelled as he began searching for his keys.

"Oh, it's possible, Aaron," Dave said with a satisfied smirk, wondering why his friend didn't sound more thrilled with the recent chain of events. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that two of his employees were facing the barrels of multiple guns. But...wait...had he even told Hotch any of that...?

"Uh, Aaron?" Dave said slowly, letting out a deep sigh as his mind suddenly clicked into gear.

"Yes?" The response came in stereo, dual speakers sounding the same word in decidedly different octaves. Damn. Damn. Damn. Couldn't Aaron Hotchner's parents have chosen a name that would not have him anywhere remotely related to the horror that was Erin Strauss?

"Seriously, doesn't the freaking FBI have better sense than to choose two agents with the same name in the same department?" Rossi griped, pressing a hand to his forehead as he attempted to stall the raging ache that had settled directly between his eyes.

Garcia's forehead crinkled in worry as she stared at the senior agent. "Agent Rossi? You've got that look on your face that you get when one of Reid's physic's magic tricks backfires and lands on top of your head on the plane. What's wrong now?"

"What's wrong? She asks what's wrong? My brain is about to explode inside my skull from a rampant aneurysm, and she wants to know what's wrong," Dave mumbled to himself, closing his eyes as he ignored the sudden cacophony of noise coming from both phones.

"Dave?" Aaron Hotchner's voice demanded urgently. "Start talking to me or I swear I'm going to have to call Strauss and …."

"You don't have to call Erin, Aaron," Dave muttered, cracking open one eye as he added, "She's on the other phone. We've got a bit of situation in the BAU."

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Please forgive our extra long rambling today, but we have a lot to share. First, originally we planned to publish all our stories on Mondays. But after realizing we have ten ongoing works, we decided to split them up. So, we will publish five fics on Sundays and five fics on Mondays for the foreseeable future. As always, we will publish the odd oneshot in between, especially when we have notes to share with our readers regarding our forum.**_

_**For those following Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum, we have several announcements. First, we'd like to announce our interviews with the very talented authors Reidfanatic and ConfettiLeaves. Next, please **__**check out our mini-challenge…The Creative Reasons Challenge! Now is the time to put your creative talents to work and write a story depicting the events and/or emotions regarding JJ's departure. It can be a drabble, oneshot or multi-chapter featuring any characters you choose. For more info, check out our challenge thread on the "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum.**_

_**For those of you who want to keep updated on the new threads posted to the forum, you can subscribe by going to the forum page (the link is on my profile page), then clicking "Forum Subscription" in the upper right corner. We have new and exciting discussion threads and interviews, as well as our monthly challenges, planned for the future.**_

_**Again, we want to take this opportunity to thank anyone for reading, reviewing, alerting, and favoriting our stories. We truly appreciate hearing from each one of you.**_


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's Note: We're excited to announce our Round 3 of our Fanfic Challenge on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum. The __**Dealer's Choice August Challenge**__ is a great way to stretch your writing muscles! Simply suggest a pairing from the seven main Criminal Minds characters and list three different things to include in the story. (Example: You request Hotch/Emily and your prompts are a starry night, a cashmere blanket and a bottle of Merlot.) Your suggestion will be assigned to another author, and you'll receive a similar suggestion. Your final story must include your assigned pairing and must include at least two of the three prompts you were given in some capacity. Stories can be short or long, romantic or friendship, angst or humor…and anything else in between! Sign ups will continue through August 2, assignments will be given on August 3, and stories are due by August 31! Please visit the forum or shoot us a PM if you are interested in participating. We'd love to have you! And please visit the forum to read our latest interviews with the lovely KricketWilliams and the talented Ahmoselnarus! __Also, we have began a discussion thread for our fellow author, **Angel N Darkness**, who was in a serious car accident on Sunday. Please say a prayer for her hasty recovery and visit the thread to leave your best wishes. Updates on her condition will be posted there as we receive them._

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Twelve**

"A situation?" Penelope Garcia's indignant voice yelped. "You call this 'a situation', Mr. Superior Super Profiler? THIS is a clusterfuck," Penelope corrected, smacking the floor beside her for emphasis. "A certifiable situation fucked up beyond all possible repair. There are people pointing guns at the three of us!"

"Yeah, I got the memo," Dave snapped, momentarily distracted from his phone conversation by the screech bouncing around his ears. "Don't blame me, Garcia! As the all-seeing Oracle of Quantico, you couldn't have seen this coming?"

"Dave!" Hotch yelled sharply in his ear, "Now, is not the time to piss Garcia off, man!"

"Don't you snap at me, Agent Asshole! I was on my way home! If not for you, I'd be snuggled up like a bug in a rug, happily zapping through Cyberspace! You and your anal retentive, can't wait for anything ass is why I'm here. With guns!" Glancing over her shoulder at a wisely silent Earl, Penelope asked, eyes narrowing, "Have I mentioned how much I hate guns, Earl?"

"You wanna hold it, Miss Garcia?" Earl asked contritely, holding out the firearm with a willing hand. "Would it make you feel better if you were the one holding it? I'm really sorry for ruining your night, ma'am."

"No, Earl," Penelope shook her head, whipping back around to face Rossi. "See! Even the hostage taker has better manners than you, you overgrown excuse for a man!"

"Dave!" Hotch yelled into the phone, his tone growing more worried with each syllable. "Whatever you want to say right now, DON'T!" he warned valiantly.

Ignoring Hotch's voice and Erin Strauss' voice stridently demanding for his attention, Dave pursed his lips. "You're overreacting," he told Penelope evenly, glaring at the flustered redhead.

Eyes popping wide as she jerked her shoulders straight, Penelope hissed, "WHAT did you just say?" Looking at Earl again she asked with narrowed eyes, "Did he just say what I thought he just said?"

"Uhmmm," Earl hummed uncertainly, cowering against the desk they all had ducked behind. "I'm sure he didn't mean it that way, Miss Garcia."

"I'm sure I did," Dave snorted immediately, counterattacking the possible dismissal.

"No, you didn't!" Hotch and Earl yelled in unison.

"I'm over-reacting?" Garcia declared self-righteously, crossing her arms over her ample chest as she leaned back against the wall. "So because I dared to contradict your oh-so-important alpha male opinion, I'm the one that is overreacting? Was I overreacting when I tried to be nice to Earl here and all you wanted to do was manage to piss off the poor man even further?"

Watching through the dimness as she took another breath, Rossi held up the hand with the cell phone as he attempted to stall the deluge that was apparently on the horizon. "Look, Garcia…"

"Don't you DARE "Look" me now, you addle pated ancient fool," Garcia snorted, kicking out her foot to jam her stiletto heel into his leg. "Was I overreacting when a sniveling crazed killer took a life literally in front of my eyes in the Alaskan wilds? Was I overreacting when the very net that I love and adore was used to sneak and spy on sitting ducks that were taken down one by one?"

"Do something, Dave," Aaron urged loudly through the cell phone, easily recognizing the high-pitched squeal infiltrating his technical genius' words.

Glancing over at the man cringing beside the increasingly-agitated woman, Rossi muttered, "Got any suggestions, Earl?"

"Doesn't seem to be me that she's mad at any more, Agent Rossi," Earl muttered o in self-defense, shifting another inch away from the volatile situation. "She's got that look in her eyes that my wife gets when I've completely screwed up everything. And she's glaring at you."

"Darn skippy, I'm staring at him," Garcia railed, slapping her hand ineffectually against the industrial carpeting beneath her hand again, "HE'S the one that got me in this mess!" she yelled, pointing an accusing finger at the agent.

"You're blaming me?" Rossi asked incredulously, his jaw dropping as he let the desk phone receiver clatter to the floor. "HE'S," he said, jabbing a finger at Earl, "the one with the gun! And you keep refusing to take it from him!"

Slapping the back of Dave's head sharply, Garcia snapped, "Don't you pay attention, Moneybags? I said I don't do guns."

"You certainly did a good impression earlier. You know, when you were holding the gun on me," Rossi growled dangerously, refusing to give in to the urge to rub the spot she had unjustly abused.

"Did I?" Garcia replied innocently, pressing her hand to her bosom in mock-contriteness. "Right now, I think I made a huge mistake."

"And why is that?" Dave bit out, cursing the fates for allowing him to even leave his home that morning. He should have stayed at home and hidden underneath the bed like any smart man would have.

"I didn't pull the trigger!" she shouted, coming to her knees and reaching blindly over her head for something on the desk.

"What the hell are you doing, woman?" Dave yelped, grabbing her arm and tugging frantically. "Hotch, man, you gotta get me some help in here!" Dave yelled into his cell phone as he brought the desk phone back under his other ear, Erin Strauss' screeches still in full effect.

"What am I doing, he asks," Penelope muttered to herself, hauling Dave's laptop into her lap as she began harshly tapping keys.

"I didn't stutter," Dave snapped, pulling the desk phone away slightly before he lost any ability to hear. "Erin, simmer down," he said into the desk phone. "You're coming dangerously close to shattering an eardrum and that's not going to improve my mood in here."

"I didn't say anything," Aaron complained in his other ear.

"I'm not concerned about your hearing, Agent Rossi," Strauss informed him furiously, her words clipped. "I'm concerned about this tawdry video you've threatened me with. I want it deleted. Now!"

"Then call off your dogs," Dave growled.

"Dave?" Hotch asked, the worry once again filling his tone, "I'm on my way, man. Ten minutes out."

Watching Garcia hit a key on her keyboard with a flourish, he narrowed an eye at her. "What the hell did you just do, Garcia?"

Smiling grimly as her eyes flashed in the dimmed room, Garcia announced, "I just made you the most famous man on Youtube."

And as Garcia turned the monitor toward him, Dave cursed. "Son of a bitch! You filmed it, too!" he shouted angrily, watching in real-time horror as a video of him trussed up like a turkey streamed into cyber land.

"Told ya not to piss her off," he heard Hotch sigh into his ear.

Was anybody on his side any more?


	13. Chapter 13

**_Author's Note_**_: We're excited to announce our Round 3 of our Fanfic Challenge on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum. The **Dealer's Choice August Challenge** is a great way to stretch your writing muscles! Please see the forum for further details. We'd love to have you! And please visit the forum to read our latest interviews with the simply amazing **SussiRay and cmfanbex**! And please join our newest discussion thread, **"What's on Your Bookshelf"** where readers tell us about the published books and authors that inspire them. Please drop by and check it out. And lastly, please keep our fellow authors, **Angel N Darkness** and **Darcie91 **within your prayers. Both ladies have been in serious accidents and have separate discussion threads where readers and authors alike may leave their best wishes! That's all for this time folks! Thanks to all who have read, reviewed, favorited or alerted our stories. We continue to appreciate each one of you!_

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Thirteen**

Hearing the screech once again fill his ear, Dave took one last look at the video screen as he grunted back into the phone, "Listen, Erin, I gotta few problems of my own right now. I'm not exactly in a charitable mood, so you'd better be willing to make it worth my while to take care of your freaking video, too."

Kicking his foot once again, Garcia hissed darkly, "You tell that woman that you know exactly what I'll do if she doesn't come through with the goods for poor Earl here. Unless she wants the world wide web to be privy to her not-so-private moments, she'll give Earl his job back PDQ!"

Jerking his foot away just before she managed to nail his already abused ankle with her pointy toe once again, Dave grumbled, "Damn it, woman, cut me some slack. I'm trying to negotiate for our lives here and you've decided to give the evening news a run for their money."

"Excuse me?" Erin Strauss said piously, the freezing point growing closer and closer with each passing word.

Rolling his eyes as he sighed again, Dave turned his attention back to the phone as he said, "Erin, unless you want to become a world-wide sensation with a million hits in the next five minutes, now would be the time to make amends for your stupidity. I know what you did to our chief security guard. And there's a very talented woman here who is prepared to make you pay heavily and dearly for those sins if you don't choose absolution immediately."

"And you can tell her that…." Garcia began to demand imperiously, leaning forward to whisper violently.

Casting Garcia a look filled with bottled impatience, Rossi thrust the phone at her before she could complete another word. "Here! Why don't you tell her, Garcia? You might be much more effective than I am? God knows, I'm now in awe of your power."

"Me?" Garcia said, recoiling from the phone dangling between them and shaking her head furiously, swatting with her bejeweled fingers at the offending instrument. "No, no, no. I have no desire whatsoever to exchange words with Cruella de Ville."

"I beg your pardon!" Rossi, Garcia and Earl heard the esteemed Section Chief shriek through the tinny receiver.

Wide eyed, Earl looked between Dave and Penelope as he jerked back automatically. "She even sounds like her."

"Perfect pitch, perfect inflection," Garcia nodded, eyeing the phone in repulsion, mentally wondering if it was indeed possible for the world of anime to come to life and haunt her every move. When had she pissed off the gods of technology to cause such a disconnect in her reality? When? When? WHEN?

"Personally, I think she's more Elpheba than Cruella," Dave shrugged, jiggling the phone at Garcia again, viciously enjoying the look of repulsion in the younger woman's eyes.

"Elfie had some redeeming qualities," Garcia said, taking the phone between two fingertips reluctantly. "It's not her fault the house fell on her sister, was it?"

Satisfied as the technical analyst finally accepted the phone, Rossi turned his attention back to his cell phone. "Hotch? You still there, man?" he asked quickly, watching with a glimmer of amusement as Garcia's cheeks reddened immeasurably. And when he heard her strident voice rise when she said, "Now, how is it beneficial for our collective boss to use words like that? If you think I'll respond to that potty mouth of yours, Director Strauss, you're mistaken", he couldn't help but enjoy the moment.

But he had other things to worry about, didn't he?

"Where else would I be?" Hotch groaned in answer to the man's question, navigating traffic with one hand as he pressed the phone to his ear with the other. "Dave, what the hell have you gotten yourself into over there?"

"Oh," Dave drawled, leaning back against the desk behind him, "just your average hostage negotiation. With the added twist of actually BEING the hostage for a change."

"You're kidding, right?" Hotch asked dumbly, mindlessly shifting lanes before he rear-ended the slowpoke in front of him. "This is a joke."

"Oh, yeah," Dave replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes up toward the ceiling. "Garcia and I thought this up in our spare time between catching serial killers. Then we engaged the security guard for a touch of drama...NO, AARON! Not a joke. Get your ass down here and get us out of here!"

"Who exactly is holding you hostage, Dave?" Hotch asked briskly, pressing the accelerator with his foot.

"Well, the common onlooker would say Earl, the security guard," Dave said, glancing at the sweaty, nervous man currently having his hand held by Penelope Garcia as she read Strauss the riot act. "But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I'm choosing to blame Strauss. She's the one that had the BIG guns pointed at us. Trust me, Hotch, Earl's not interested in hurting anybody. He just wants his job back."

"And he thought putting a gun in your and Garcia's faces would accomplish THAT?" Hotch yelped.

"Actually," Rossi replied with grudging respect, glancing once again at the two other people huddled with him, "It's been pretty effective. He's got Garcia on his side, and I gotta say, I'm leaning that direction myself."

"Thanks, Agent Rossi," Earl mumbled, pressing a hand to his suddenly aching head as he met the other man's dark eyes.

"Don't get excited about it," Dave snarled in reply, glaring at the guy with the gun. "I just happen to hate Strauss a lot more than you right now."

"Seriously, Dave," Aaron Hotchner warned quickly through the phone, wondering not for the first time how in the world his people managed to create these situations. "You may not be holding him fully responsible, but if the man has the only weapon in the room then he's got the power. Try not to piss him off."

Letting out a sigh as he heard Hotch's words, Rossi was about to respond when he heard Penelope Garcia violently spew a string of words that would have made a merchant marine proud. Shaking his head, Rossi muttered into the phone, "Trust me, Aaron. Earl's not our enemy. I think Garcia just managed to draw new battle lines with Erin Strauss, though. You might want to start flashing those lights and get your ass here before the FBI building is imploded from within."


	14. Chapter 14

**_Author's Note__: We're excited to announce our Round 3 of our Fanfic Challenge on "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum is up to 66 participants. And you still have two more days to sign up if interested. We'd love to have everyone, whether you've authored hundreds of stories or never written a thing! This is for everyone! The Dealer's Choice August Challenge is a great way to stretch your writing muscles! Please see the forum for further details. And if you've never visited the forum, drop by for a visit. Everyone interested in Criminal Minds fanfiction and/or writing is welcome. We'd love to have you! As always, we want to take a moment and say thanks to all who have read, reviewed, favorited or alerted our stories. We continue to appreciate each one of you!_**

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Fourteen**

Scrunching her face tightly as she literally threw the cell phone across the small enclosed area, Penelope Garcia snapped sharply, "That woman! I swear by all that is holy in Microsoft Mecca, Erin Strauss is a ranting demoniac sent by Beelzebub himself to torment the pure of heart!"

Rolling his eyes at the drama unfolding before him, Rossi asked, dryly, "I see you and Erin won't be exchanging Christmas gifts this year, correct?"

"Oh, the only thing I'll be exchanging with THAT bat-shit crazy woman is a worm-infested virus intent on wiping out every piece of electronic history she's ever created," Garcia vowed, thumping back against the wall as she crossed her arms over her ample chest. "The evil thing had the unmitigated gall to tell me that my job was as good as gone if I didn't undo whatever malfeasance I had been participating in PDQ!" She muttered underneath her breath, "I'll malfease her little red wagon. Just wait until she tries to pay her daughter's tuition in a few weeks. We'll see who's got the power and the electronic funds then, won't we?"

"Uh, Miss Garcia," Earl interrupted hesitantly, his eyes widening as he stared at the rapidly escalating woman, "Did Chief Strauss say anything about my job?"

"We didn't quite reach negotiating terms yet, Earl," Garcia said tightly, narrowing her eyes as she swung her gaze back at Rossi. "Apparently, someone," she paused in order to level a lethal glare in the older agent's direction, "Had already pissed her off before I even got on the phone! Honest to Gods and Goddesses, Agent Rossi, did you ever learn to work and play nicely with others at all in kindergarten? If toddlers can do it, then it's not a hard skill!"

"Because you're doing so much better?" Dave asked incredulously, his tone rising to thunderous levels in the small confined space.

"Dave," Hotch's voice warned through the phone, the Unit Chief wondering how in the world his peaceful evening off had suddenly been altered so drastically, "Don't tick Garcia off again."

"Fine," Dave groused, pressing the phone against his ear as he studiously ignored the laser-like glare, "but, you better get here soon, Aaron."

"What?" Penelope asked darkly, leaning forward to catch parts of the conversation.

"Hotch said not to piss you off," Dave muttered.

"That's because our fearless leader is a very wise man," Penelope chirped brightly, her mood altering quickly as she turned to pat Earl's hand. "Don't worry, Earl, Agent Hotchner will find a way to make all the wrongs right, lickety split."

"And now, she's making promises for you, Aaron," Dave groaned, his head dropping back against his top desk drawer with a thud, the drawer handle creating a tiny divot in his otherwise hard head.

Resisting the urge to bang his head fruitlessly against his steering wheel as he met another red stoplight, Hotch muttered, half to himself and half to his audience on the other end of the phone, "I leave early for the first time in seven years, and THIS happens!"

"You think you have problems?" Dave yelped. "I'm locked in here with Thelma and Louise and they're both determined to take my ass over the cliff. I'll trade places with you in a heartbeat, man!"

"Listen," Earl worried, wiping his perspiration drenched face with a hankie from his hip pocket. "I say that I just surrender. I'd get a reduced sentence, right? Time off for all my years of loyal service. You could be my character witness, Ms. Garcia," Earl said hopefully, turning anxious eyes toward the redhead, peering optimistically through the semi-dark space.

"Trust me, Earl," Rossi said, shaking his head, "Garcia is not the type of woman you want on your witness stand, my friend."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Pen yapped indignantly, kicking Dave's ankle once again.

"It means, my sparkly friend, that you tend to embellish facts. Before it was over, we'd be watching them shove Earl UNDER the jail. No. We're all staying right here until Aaron shows up," Dave said sternly, looking between the other two occupants of the room. "Which will be SOON, right, Aaron?" Dave growled into the phone.

"I'm jogging into the lobby now?" Hotch panted, skirting various agents milling about, apparently oblivious to the drama unfolding above them.

"Have you spotted Satan's head yet?" Dave asked meanly.

"No horns as of yet," Hotch returned glibly, scanning his surroundings for signs of the Section Chief.

"You'll smell the brimstone before you ever spot the horns, man. Evil has a face and her name is Erin Strauss," Dave replied sagely.

"I never thought she was really that bad until today," Earl leaned toward Penelope and whispered.

"She's not. The Devil doesn't usually have time for mere peons like us, Earl. We should count ourselves blessed," she soothed, patting the hand not holding the gun.

"Yeah," Dave grunted, shifting carefully as he felt his shoulder begin to throb again, "she usually concentrates her focus on new and inventive ways to make Hotch and me miserable. Hell, even when I'm not in her fucking sights, I manage to make myself a target," he grumbled.

"Sorry, Agent Rossi," Earl winced, hanging his head apologetically.

"Don't you dare be sorry, Earl. This was wrong! Wrong, Wrong, WRONG!" Garcia instantly declared, insistently bouncing up and down.

Dropping a heavy hand to Garcia's shoulder, Rossi ordered, "Down, Norma Rae! Hotch just made it inside the building. Give him a chance to work for peace in the BAU."

"Well," Pen huffed, "You tell the Boss Man to work fast!" Wriggling her fingers in Dave's face, she continued, "because these babies are just itching to wreak technological havoc on Erin Strauss and everybody associated with her."

"Did you get that?" Dave asked into the phone.

"I hear, I hear," Hotch mumbled, diving toward the elevator bank as he caught a glimpse of Erin Strauss' frosted head. "Target acquired, Dave," Hotch muttered into the phone as he caught the Section Chief's eye.

"Well shove an RPG up her ass for me, will ya?" Dave requested hopefully, taking a momentary happiness at the thoughts of watching Erin Strauss explode.

And as Aaron Hotchner strode toward the bane of their collective existence, his face never flinched as he watched her assessing gaze coldly eyeing him. It was obvious that she knew that he knew exactly what was going on in her building.

Christ, this was gonna be a long night. For all of them.


	15. Chapter 15

_**Author's Note: We have a couple of announcements for you all today. We're proud to announce that signups are open for the Fanfic Challenge - Round 4 on our forum, "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" or, as we like to call it, the "PYOP Challenge" (pick your own pairing challenge) through September 1st. For those interested, simply go to the forum to the PWOP Challenge thread and sign up with your favorite pairing. On September 2nd, we'll assign you a scenario to write provided by some of our lovely fellow authors. This will give everybody an opportunity to write what they love and provide readers with some awesome stories. Please sign up at the forum or shoot us a PM signifying your willingness to participate. So, please come join the fun and let's make this the most successful challenge yet!**_

_**Also, we've opened a new thread called, "Find a Fic...with the help of all your friends". Ever had a story for which you simply couldn't recall the title. This thread is the place to begin searching. Details can be found on the thread. I hope you all find it a helpful addition to the forum. As always, any ideas for new threads are welcome!**_

_**We also have wonderful new interviews with two equally amazing authors posted. Please check out the-vampire-act and emzypemzy interviews and let them know your thoughts!**_

_**And, as always, thanks to everybody still reading, reviewing, alerting and favoriting our stories. We couldn't do this without your support!**_

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Fifteen**

"What's happening?" Penelope Garcia demanded, leaning forward expectantly as she kept her eyes trained on the so-called genius agent that had managed to completely ruin her evening.

"Give me a minute, would you?" Rossi snapped, pressing the phone tighter to his ear as he attempted to listen closer. "I'm trying to hear if Strauss is saying anything."

"Oh, she had plenty to say earlier until I shut her trap up!" Garcia exclaimed, smiling victoriously, her teeth glimmering in the semi-darkness.

"Well, kitten, we want her to talk this time!" Rossi snorted, rolling his eyes as he watched the woman shimmy against the wall again. "If Aaron can get her to come off her freaking high horse, then we might be able to forget this entire damn evening ever happened." Holding up his hand suddenly, Dave forestalled any retort she might be formulating as he hissed, "Wait! I hear them talking again!"

Earl leaned toward Garcia as he whispered, "I don't hear any yelling coming through the phone. That's got to be a good thing, right?"

"Depends on which side you're on," Garcia whispered back, scooting closer to the man with the gun. "Aaron Hotchner rarely if ever raises his voice unless the situation is dire. And my money is on the Boss Man. He's managed to wrangle Strauss back into line more than once, you know."

"Too bad we've never managed to wrangle a noose around her scrawny neck," Dave muttered, pressing the phone close to his ear as he tried to eavesdrop on the ongoing muffled conversation.

"What are they saying?" Garcia hissed, thumping Dave's thigh with a closed fist, grinding her knuckles into his muscle when he didn't immediately answer.

Glaring at her, he shook his head and pressed a finger to his lips. "Shhh," he frowned, pressing the phone closer as he strained to hear...words like guns and hostage negotiation slipping through the line every so often. Mentally groaning, he could only imagine Erin's current remarks, quite certain the woman was not above using this current scenario to have a sharpshooter take him out with so-called friendly fire.

"Don't you shush me, you overgrown bully," Garcia huffed, reaching roughly for the phone. "Let me hear," she ordered.

Batting at her grabby fingers before she could manage to disconnect the call, Dave nearly dropped the phone as Hotch's stern voice growled, "You want to WHAT? A hard entrance infiltration for THIS? Due respect, ma'am, but you're going to get somebody killed!"

Eyes widening as he heard Aaron's impassioned words, Dave shook his head as Garcia's eyebrows drew together.

"What?" she whispered worriedly, swallowing hard as she wondered how much worse an already horrid situation could become.

Shaking his head, he muttered to himself, "Think Rossi, think!" He had to have some dirt stored in his memory bank somewhere, didn't he? Umpteen years had to yield something, didn't they? God knew, he had enough reasons to hate his esteemed Section Chief, the least of which was his one-time marriage to her sister. Breathing deeply as he silently cursed his suddenly less-than-ready recollections, he snapped his fingers suddenly, eyes dancing with glee.

Overjoyed with the new knowledge that he now had a method for dealing with this Cruella de Ville on crack, David Rossi smiled maliciously. It would have been one thing if she'd merely wanted to silence the proverbial puppies, but this bureaucratic bully wanted to slaughter them in cold blood.

And, honestly, as much as he hated to admit it, he sorta liked the beleaguered security guard holding the gun with a shaky hand. The frazzled man had grown on him. And Garcia...well, he continually stood in awe where that woman was concerned. But then, he reminded himself, that was probably as much for his own self- protection as it was admiration. The woman held the fate of the free world in the palm of her hand, and was not afraid to wield her power at will.

"Aaron," he said calmly, his voice confident as he forced himself to focus on the situation at hand, "put the Bureaucratic Beelzebub on the phone, please. I feel certain she and I have some items to discuss before she implements her plan."

"Uhhh, Dave," Hotch murmured on the other end of the phone, warily looking at their icy Section Chief, "are you sure you wanna do that right now?"

"Oh, yeah," Dave said gleefully, stretching out his legs. "I'm absolutely certain."

"Agent Rossi, sir," Earl said uncertainly, watching the elder man's eyes glinting victoriously in the dim light, "What are you doing?"

"I'd like to know that, too," Penelope muttered, bouncing on her knees as she began crawling toward Dave again. Shaking a stern finger in his face, she declared, "I feel the need to reiterate that I enjoy being among the land of the living. Any efforts to shorten that time will be heavily frowned on."

Holding up a hand and shaking his head, Dave's grin widened as he heard Erin Strauss' chilly voice say, "Agent Rossi. I'm sorry but these negotiations are at a conclusion. Either Mr. Carlson surrenders or I'll be forced to order a hard entry to acquire the subject. My orders are shoot to kill."

"I'll bet they are," Dave drawled, watching as Earl and Garcia heard the cold woman's terse words, each of their faces paling. "But I don't think you're going to do that, Erin," he said, his voice arrogant.

"Really?" Strauss spat, one hand falling to her hip as she tapped her foot impatiently, Aaron Hotchner's focused gaze boring into her.

"Really," Dave said confidently, winking at Garcia conspiratorially.

"And why exactly would that be?" Erin asked impatiently, her sense of unease growing exponentially at Rossi's tone.

"Two words," Dave said affably, settling comfortably against the wall behind him and stretching out his long legs, crossing them negligently.

"And those words would be?" Strauss asked sharply, her hackles rising.

"Bogata, 1982, Erin," Dave enunciated, tapping his fingers happily against his leg with each word. "Ring any bells for you?"


	16. Chapter 16

_**Author's Note: We have a couple of announcements for you all today. We're proud to announce that signups are open for the Fanfic Challenge - Round 4 on our forum, "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" or, as we like to call it, the "PYOP Challenge" (pick your own pairing challenge) through September 1st. For those interested, simply go to the forum to the PYOP Challenge thread and sign up with your favorite pairing. On September 2nd, we'll assign you a scenario to write provided by some of our lovely fellow authors. This will give everybody an opportunity to write what they love and provide readers with some awesome stories. Please sign up at the forum or shoot us a PM signifying your willingness to participate. So, please come join the fun and let's make this the most successful challenge yet!**_

_**We also have wonderful new interviews with the lovely Sarramaks and hot4cullenmen! Please check it out and let them know your thoughts!**_

_**We've also added two fun new prompt threads. One is called, "Fortune Cookie Fridays" based on an idea submitted by LoveforPenandDerek. Come by and check it out...perhaps, it will feed the muse. And the other is called, "Getting to Know...YOU! Tell us about yourself" It asks five simple questions that allow readers and authors alike to briefly tell us about who they are.**_

_**And, as always, thanks to everybody still reading, reviewing, alerting and favoriting our stories. We couldn't do this without your support!**_

* * *

**The Importance of Maintaining One's Sanity**

**Chapter Sixteen**

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Erin Strauss hissed coldly, her face pinched as her mind wandered back to those far ago days when she had worked as a novice agent on David Rossi and Jason Gideon's team on a regular basis.

"Oh," Dave snorted, rolling his eyes at her obvious attempt at denial, "Of course you do, Erin. You're younger than me. Surely your memory hasn't grown that short, has it?"

"Agent Rossi," Strauss bit out, "I hardly think this is the time for you and I to go traipsing down memory lane."

"Oh, I disagree. From where I sit, it appears to be the perfect time. In fact, if you have your way, it might, in fact, be our last opportunity. And we wouldn't want to miss it, would we?" Dave asked dramatically, his tone filled with mock concern.

"Agent Rossi," Erin said through clenched teeth, "You are running out of time."

"So are you," Dave said, reaching out to tap on Penelope's keyboard. "At the rate our Analyst Garcia is typing, this information goes viral in mere minutes," he lied, hitting the space bar with more force than absolutely necessary.

"Again, David," Erin replied, her voice shaking slightly as she heard the definite sounds of tapping in the background, "I've no idea what you're referring to."

"I think you're lying, Erin. And not very effectively. But, I'm a generous guy, so allow me to remind you," Dave declared magnanimously. "Although, I don't see how you could forget Bogata. Joe Bogata. Remember, the Carolina Killer, Erin? How could you forget that case, Erin? Or the celebration that followed? I thought Jason and I were going to have to tranquilize you."

"David," Strauss hissed angrily, blanching as she realized the direction he was headed.

"You were a very busy newbie on that case as I remember it," Dave drawled, allowing a chiding tone to color his words. "And a very naughty girl."

"You're as culpable for anything that may or may not have happened that night as I was," Erin ground out, her fingers clenching the phone tighter against her ear.

"First, I'm not the one that got doe eyed for our potential unsub. And I'm definitely not the one that slept with him hours after his last kill. Did you ever wonder if you were supposed to be his victory celebration or his seventh victim, Erin?" Dave asked, feigning curiosity as Earl and Garcia's eyes widened to the size of saucers.

"Damn you," Strauss hissed. "You can't prove anything, David. It would be your word against mine. You filed your report with no mention of the incident. Both you and Gideon did."

"Did we?" Dave asked vaguely. "Or did I pull some strings to simply have that paperwork overlooked for you? If you recall, I was dating your sister way back when, and you still has somewhat of a heart instead of that bottomless black void you now carry around with you. And while my report might have been perfectly valid, it just might have been lost after it was submitted. And, then, of course there's the video footage that Gideon still has on tap. Unlike me, he suspected you'd eventually be trouble even back then. And he was a Boy Scout, after all."

"I don't believe you," Erin Strauss muttered, her voice wavering and less assured than it previously had been.

"Call him," Dave bluffed. "Or I can. I should! After all, it'll be me that he'll be doing the favor for when he makes a copy for the Director of the FBI," Dave grinned slyly, feeling victory within his grasp.

"Bastard," Erin spat, her foot stomping at that same moment.

"How original. I've never been called THAT before," Dave quipped, winking at Penelope as she pinched his leg, questions in her bright eyes. "Time's ticking, Erin. What's it gonna be? I'm getting really bored and Garcia's fingers are getting very itchy."

"I can't believe you would..."

"Believe it, Erin," Dave stated flatly, all joking abruptly ending. "I'm fully prepared to end your career if it comes to that in exactly the way you tried to end this innocent security guard's. All for a quick fuck in the stairwell."

"It wasn't what it..."

"I don't care what it was or wasn't," Dave growled impatiently. "I've been stuck up here for," he halted, consulting his watch, "four fucking hours because your panties got wet for the wrong guy in the wrong place. And it's feeling very fucking familiar to me. End it, Erin. One way or another," Dave demanded, squeezing Penelope's hand as her jaw dropped.

"Damn it, David," Erin replied tightly, her fingers clenching around the phone in her hand in desperation, "The wheels are already in motion. HRT is already..."

"Throw the fucking bus in reverse, Erin," Dave retorted. "Because we both know that I don't make idle threats. Whether a stray bullet hits me or not, I'll ruin you. And, what's more...you KNOW it."

"What am I supposed to tell them, Agent Rossi?" Strauss asked urgently, her eyes shifting wildly around the small room where she stood next to Aaron Hotchner, the various FBI team members preparing to do battle with one of their own.

"Do I give a fuck?" Dave asked sarcastically. "Tell them it was a fucking drill for all I care, but get them to stand down NOW," he roared as blue and red lights illuminating the room from the helicopters outside the window.

"I'm going to look like an idiot," Strauss muttered distractedly.

"And that's different from any other day of the week, how exactly, Erin?" Dave replied sarcastically. "You've got ten minutes and then I work my own plan," Dave threatened, flipping closed the phone and dropping it in his lap with a flick of his wrist. Raising his hands to clasp them behind his head, he grinned widely. "Well, folks," he told his two partners-in-crime gleefully, "I think we just found our way out of here."

* * *

One hour and thirty-three minutes later - God knew, she'd been counting - four occupants had set up camp in David Rossi's now restored-to-order office. Holding out her glass from her position strewn across Dave's leather couch, feet propped up on the back, Penelope mumbled, "I hate scotch."

Tilting the bottle for her for the fourth time in a half hour, Dave merely raised an eyebrow as the amber liquid flowed over the rim.

Frowning when he pulled the bottle away, Garcia raised an eyebrow as she shook her glass tumbler. "Are you getting stingy in your old age, Agent Fussy Pants?"

Sighing, Dave again tilted the bottle until Garcia finally gave an imperceptible nod. "Doesn't like scotch, my ass," he mumbled, staring at the rapidly dwindling liquid in the bottom of the bottle.

"I still can't believe she was gonna have me shot," Earl muttered to himself, rubbing his chest again where the red dot had been.

"If it helps, Erin Strauss hadn't actually given the shoot to kill order," Hotch informed him gently. "HRT is required to keep a bead on the subject any time they can. Strauss never gave orders for the kill shot."

Gazing at the Unit Chief in horrified fascination, Earl shook his head. "Nope, doesn't help," he said faintly, blinding holding his own glass out for Rossi to fill.

"Sorry," Hotch winced, eyeing the hapless security guard's pale face with a critical eye. "Go easy on that stuff, Earl," he said, nodding toward the glass. "It's potent."

"Not potent enough," Garcia muttered around the rim of her own glass. "I can still recall the events of the entire past six hours."

"Don't worry," Dave mock glared at her, "So can I...including being trussed up like a turkey."

"That was my personal high point," Garcia grinned wickedly, smacking her lips as she took another healthy sip of the smooth liquor.

"Mine, too," Earl agreed with a glimmer of a smile, his hand tightening around the heavy glass.

"I hate you both," Dave declared without heat, simply lifting the bottle to his lips and taking a fortifying belt.

"What I want to know," Hotch said, interrupting their byplay, "is how the hell you got Erin Strauss to back down, Dave? What the hell kind of ammunition are you packing around on that woman?"

"None," Dave shrugged with a crooked half-smile.

"None?" Hotch echoed, blinking rapidly. "NONE?" he yelped, gripping the arms of his chair. "What do you mean 'none', Dave?"

"I bluffed," Dave grinned, wriggling his eyebrows as he collapsed back into his chair.

"You bluffed?" Hotch repeated, beginning to feel like a parrot trapped in the zoo.

"He bluffed," Penelope confirmed, tipping her glass to Rossi in silent salute.

"Dear God," Hotch whispered, staring at Dave with wide eyes. "You sneaky son of a bitch."

"Hey, it worked," Dave countered easily. "And the actual events happened...I just didn't have all the evidence that I led her to believe I did. There was never any written report and, hell, I wouldn't know which rock to lift in order to find Gideon's ass," he shrugged.

"So, naturally, you bluffed?" Hotch gaped.

"He bluffed," Penelope and Earl stated in unison, lifting their glasses to the ceiling for a moment of celebration.

"Well, I'll be damned," Hotch breathed.

"No, I believe THAT would be Agent Dramatic Climax, over there," Pen grinned, nodding toward Dave.

Looking around at his two colleagues and one unfortunate security guard, Dave sighed as he drained what was left of his expensive scotch.

Some days, he honestly just couldn't win.

_**Finis**_


End file.
